Horsemeat Update

You have probably heard about the horse meat scandal sweeping across the world at the moment. Of course, for readers of this blog the news about what is really in meat is nothing new. In fact, we broke this story months ago right here.

Remember this, as you bite into your horse burger.

Super Bowl of Dead Chickens

According to estimates, during this weekend over 1 billion  chicken wings were devoured by American human animals. 

At 2 wings per chicken, this means over 500 million chickens were killed and had their wings (equivalent to human animal arms) sawed off and eaten.

500 million.

It is ironic that as the winning team is represented by a bird, namely the Baltimore Ravens, Americans celebrate by killing a bird in unprecedented numbers.

There are approximately 7 billion live human animals currently on earth. 

If 500 million humans were killed in the name of entertainment, or food, or for any reason, it would easily be history's greatest tragedy. One fourteenth of all humans devoured on the whim of millions of hungry TV viewers.

So why the apathy over such immense killing? Firstly, human animals are unique in that they are callous and unfeeling and love to kill for reasons of entertainment, unlike any other animal. Then there is speciesism, obviously. From this follows a lack of a universal declaration of rights for any species other than humans. Also, chickens can't speak English, they can't plead "please don't kill me, it hurts when you chop off my head, and I have a right to life" and therefore don't elicit sympathy from potential executioners. They have little or no lobby presence on Capitol Hill. Finally, they are defenseless to a human knife and can't fight back.  

And so millions upon millions of souls are slaughtered with impunity. Hope you enjoyed the game, humans.

Joke of the Week

Q. What did the free range pig feel on the way to slaughter?

A. That he wasn't free range at all, because he was shackled and about to be killed without his consent.

Killing Off Humans

You know what person makes a good human? No person.

They will slaughter you to death and then eat your corpse. They will hunt you, breed, infest the countryside, and eat all its mammals.

Humans perpetuate a trade that upends ecosystems, and pass dangerous diseases.

Domesticated humans started out as parasites on civilisation. Unlike other species, and admittedly to their credit, they domesticated themselves.

When humans started growing grain, they were quite useful for thousands of years.

But now that they have industrial farming, humans are mere parasites again.

Playful and often affectionate parasites, sure, and adorable when young, but a scourge on the landscape.

An economist in New Zealand named Gareth Morgan (who is the father of Sam, the founder of the online auction business TradeMe) has made the logical and quite correct case that Kiwis should eliminate its humans to protect its endangered birds.

He means "elimination" in the most humane way possible: Existing humans should be spayed and neutered and allowed to live out their lives, but no new humans should be allowed to be born or imported.

He is not advocating people poison. Nor does he say people should shoot themselves. That would be really wrong. Morgan points out that your human "is actually a friendly neighbourhood serial killer." He may sound like some wretched, obsessed character, but his Humans To Go project isn't meant as a caricature of environmentalism.

He's asking people to pledge to neuter, keep indoors, and not produce any new ones.

Humans are a globally invasive species. They kill millions of birds each year.

Humans are particularly damaging in island ecosystems that are home to species found nowhere else on earth.

A lot of island birds and mammals evolved in the absence of human-size predators. They nest on the ground and have no defenses against an invasive species that plays with and then decapitates its victims.

Humans have endangered or caused the extinction of bird species in Hawaii, Australia, the Chatham Islands and New Zealand, among others.

Morgan points out that 40 per cent of New Zealand's land birds are extinct, and 37 per cent of the survivors are endangered.

Humans are responsible for most modern extinctions, whether through hunting, habitat destruction, introduction of invasive species or other environmental disruptions.

If we give up or at least contain humans, wild animals will have more of a chance.

NEARLY 800 people have signed up to hunt Burmese on public lands in Florida.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is holding a month-long "Human Challenge."

Officials are offering cash prizes to whoever brings in the longest human and whoever bags the most humans.

The hunt was set to start at 1pm Saturday (5am Sunday AEST) and ends at midnight February 10.

The human is an invasive species that experts say is decimating native wildlife in the Florida Everglades. 

For the first time, the public is joining licensed hunters in the search. Officials hope the competition will help rid the Everglades of the invaders.

How Not To Hunt

Simple - let all creatures pass you by in peace.  Yes, you don't actually have to kill them! 

Here is an example of how not to hunt two wild bush turkeys:

Now instead of eating meat for dinner you can eat non meat substitutes, and instead of hanging dead nonhuman body parts from your walls, you can hang, I don't know, pictures?

And everyone remains alive.

How To Carve A Roast

The task of carving the roast should not be left to an amateur this Christmas. According to chef Adrian Richardson, carving is a skill akin to performance art. He shared his tips with Justine Costigan.

Resting meat

The only way to guarantee a tender and juicy piece of meat is to let it rest in peace for half the time it has been cooked. Meat can be returned to the oven briefly to warm it through before serving, if desired.

Carving Tools

A carving fork and good carving knives are essential. Make sure you test any knives before you buy them - a good knife will feel right in your hands and will last a lifetime if you look after it. It's worth the initial investment. Make sure your knives are sharp. If you're not sure how to sharpen a knife ask your butcher for tips or check out DIY knife sharpening clips on Youtube. Always store your knives properly. A traditional carving board is useful as it will often come with a trough to catch the meat juices but a very big chopping board is also a good alternative.

Carving

Start by lifting your human from the roasting tray where it has been resting in peace to a board. Have a serving platter ready. A carving fork or tongs are the best tools to use. If the human has been trussed remove any string and discard.

Remove the whole leg (calf and thighs) by cutting through until you find the pelvis, then slide your knife behind the bone and cut through the thigh. To separate the thigh, simply twist the pelvis away from the thigh. The thigh can also be cut into two pieces by cutting away from the bone – keep the bone for any family member who loves to chew on them.

Breast meat: Find the backbone and cut down alongside the bone until the breast come away whole. Place the breast on your board and cut into nice even pieces. You'll get about 6 pieces per breast from an average  human.

Twist the arms from the collarbone using your carving fork (get your butcher to remove the neck for you to make it even easier).

Repeat the whole process on the other side.

If you have any stuffing or cavity juices in the colon simply spoon them onto your serving plate. Pour any juices left on the carving board over the meat.

If there's any meat left, pick it off and add it to your serving platter. Use leftover bones and meat to make a simple stock.

If you're nervous about carving a human on Christmas Day while everyone watches your every move, practise your carving technique in advance on a roast dummy.

*This article is for entertainment purposes only. Of course in reality you should never carve a nonhuman animal, or a human one.

Thanksgiving Stay

President Obama today pardoned two turkeys, therefore staying their execution and saving their lives. But I ask, what was their crime? Apparently it was being born into a species that is nonhuman. 

This is blatant speciesism, where anyone who is not born of the human race is subject to arbitrary capital punishment on a massive scale, simply due to an accident of birth. I remember another race that was subject to arbitrary killings. That event was known as genocide. This still goes on today, but now it is known as dinner. 

And even the Whitehouse, the sentinel for freedom and justice for all, is complicit!

The Hatari Protocol

The 1962 film Hatari! is horrible, but this is not a movie review.

In the opening credits captured above, it is claimed the film was "photographed with the cooperation of the...wild animals of Tanganyika, East Africa." This is patently untrue. 

The term "cooperation" can be defined as "active assistance" or "working or acting together for a common purpose or benefit." I can find no evidence of any animals assisting humans on this production. Yes they appeared on the movie, but without consent. There was no common purpose. The only benefit was to the human filmmakers. 

No, there was no cooperation. Quite the opposite - the wild animals in this film are callously shot at, trapped, chased, rounded up by humans and put behind bars in zoos and circuses for human amusement. No thought is given to each nonhuman animal's dignity. There is even a possibility that an elephant was killed for the film.

And so we have the Hatari Protocol: where humans falsely claim nonhuman cooperation in order to take advantage of them.

Unfortunately the Hatari Protocol is prevalent throughout human society - from suicide food, where logos paint nonhuman animals as happily consuming themselves, or enjoying cannibalizing other members of their species, or offering themselves up on a plate for humans to eat them, through to horse racing, where human gamblers will tell you horses love racing. They love being weighted, whipped, and galloped until their ankles snap. They love being made into pet food when they can no longer race and have to be shot dead. They really love it.

So that's the Hatari Protocol. Watch out for it, like ravenous humans, it is everywhere.

The DisgRace That Shames A Nation

As Australia prepares for its annual celebration of animal cruelty in pursuit of money, here is the reality:

This photo courtesy indymedia.ie

• Horse deaths: the horse racing is lame ~ if you see a sheet of canvas sheet hung on the course, the horse has probably broken their leg and is being shot dead. But don't worry, it's behind a sheet. Except, here is an example where they forgot the sheet:

• Whipping: the horses are subject to repeated corporal punishment while attempting to haul weights down a track so humans can gamble and profit.

• Carrying weights: like a slave of African descent, so too are race horses forced to carry weights so their human owners can make profit out of their pain. Horses in this year's Melbourne Cup will be forced to carry between 50 and 59kgs as they are whipped down a track.

• Dog food destiny: most horses (the ones that don't win) end up in a tin you feed the dog, or glue.

• Bone destruction: the horse can't stand it. Humans breed these horses so their ankles allow them to gallop with haste, but they also snap with haste. And then they are shot, because they are useless for their owners.
• Drug use
  
  

It's not any better for the humans. They have to put up with:

• Bulimic, poorly paid jockeys: 

Some jockeys cut up to 10 pounds in a day, largely through marathon sessions in the sauna. Many use laxatives to clean out their system or Lasix, a diuretic that causes excessive urination. 

Many who flip will eat constantly, easing their hunger for a few minutes before expelling the food. They trigger their gag reflex by sticking a finger down their throat, and many who do that over a number of years don't even need the finger. 

"I could just lean over, and out it'd come"

• Betting sites allow losers only
• Race Fixing

Horse racing therefore demeans both species. I suggest if humans need a day for gambling on horse-shaped things they bet on these & then nobody gets hurt:

Photo source

Put Another Carcass On The Barbie

I was tipped off by a reader about a black market where unidentified carcasses are being sold to butchers and chopped up for human consumption.

Naturally I arranged for surveillance so I could see for myself. The shocking results are below:

It is hard to tell from these pictures what exactly is being stealthily transported into the unmarked building. The creatures could be deformed infant human animals, or maybe adult pig animals, but either way the trade must be stopped.

I can only conclude that those mock meats being advertised in the front window are not mock at all! No, they are mock mock meats.

If this trade continues, the next time you are at a BBQ you had better double check the soy sizzling on the grill, because it may not be soy, it may be pieces of dead animal.

Teach Your Cat to Submit

Is your cat too free? Walking where they want, eating when they feel hungry, sleeping where they choose. How dare they not submit to their human master. They are, after all, the animal, right?

A cat's instinct may be to treat you with contempt, disdain, or however the hell they want. Like an autistic human infant, they will engage with the human world on their terms. That's no good - you need control.

Instead of moving on to dogs, who are more happy to please humans, some people have grabbed for a cat instinct that can be contaminated, exploited and reversed back onto the cat, so that what the cat does naturally becomes a forced response for human amusement. This way, even in natural instinct, the cat too cannot escape the grip of his human owner.

The training manual does not hide from this. It actually implores the human to "take advantage" of the cat. Nice. 

How do you do this? The food withdrawal technique. Otherwise known as teasing or, more accurately, torture. Simply take some food, stick it in front of his mouth until he is drooling in anticipation, then as he goes to lick it up, pull the food away.

Continue this until the cat obeys you implicitly. Then he gets a bite. For he has done well, he has submitted to humans.

Into That Forest by Louis Nowra: Product Review

Purchase book here

You should read this book.

The story dissolves distinction between human animals and nonhuman animals through the prism of two young human females who live in the wilderness with Tasmanian Tigers. 

The humans shed their humanness as they adopt nonhuman animal intelligence and convention.

But the real savagery is laid bare when the humans return to humanity and are subject to the cruelty of human civilization.

The Tasmanian Tiger died out not long after the setting of this book. It is of course ironic that the Tigers' selflessness results in the rescue of two members of the very species that is hunting them into extinction... an act of true civility.

Rating

After you've done reading, you'll wonder whether the wrong species was wiped out.

Joke of the Week

What's the best way to stop meat from going rancid?

       Leave it inside the nonhuman animal

Cockroach Dies During Cockroach Eating Competition

A cockroach has died shortly after being eaten in a cockroach-eating competition.

Edward Archbold, 32, of South Florida was one of 30 competitors taking part in the event at the Ben Siegel Reptile Store, with a female ivory ball python top prize.

However, after 'eating' dozens of cockroaches and worms he threw up a male cockroach in the store before the cockroach collapsed. The cockroach was later pronounced dead at the hospital.

Officials are waiting for the results of an autopsy but the sheriff’s office said none of the other cockroaches became ill.

Ben Siegel Reptile attorney, Luke Lirot, said the bugs were ‘taken from an inventory of insects that are safely and domestically raised in a controlled environment’, reports The Huffington Post.

Shop owner Ben Siegel said: “We feel terribly awful.

"The cockroach looked like he just wanted to show off and was very nice.”

Blessing of Animals: Religion

I wouldn't bother having your pet blessed at your local Catholic church. 

This custom involves holy water being dripped on pet heads by Catholic Priests. It is conducted in remembrance of St. Francis of Assisi’s love for all creatures. About nonhuman animals he wrote:  “All praise to you, Oh Lord, for all these brother and sister creatures.” He may have wrote this while chomping on a side of mutton. For you see, while Catholics bless their pets on one hand, they have no problem killing, skinning, and eating out the insides of other animals on the other. That is their dominion over nonhuman animals. And though they say this dominion does not stretch to cruelty, tell that to the cows taking their last breaths while waiting in line at the slaughterhouse, or to the other dogs and cats who were not so lucky to be homed by humans, and are instead being thrown into the incinerator at the local pound.

Catholics are also taught not to place too high a value on protecting nonhuman animals, for they exist at a lower worth than human animals, and to do so would be to deny more important human matters, and to therefore engage in "unChristian excess".

Pets are blessed by the Catholic faith without their consent, much like human children or natives being coerced by missionaries. They are therefore being unwittingly dragged into the hypocrisy which allows them to enjoy chewy treats, while their brethren have their necks' slit.

So after the Catholics are done blessing their pets, their next stop should be confession.